Dear Journal,

As my previous journal entry stated, I’ve been going to therapy since May 2024. I can’t believe it takes so long to reach the beginning. The beginning of the memories… The beginning of the feelings…

Apparently, most large emotional reactions, those that seem to take control from us, are a collection of memories stacking on each other. When the cup of coffee spills and we enter a fit of rage, it’s not the cup of coffee that enraged us, it was the memory of the consequences, of the parent reacting strongly, of the parent demoralizing instead of insisting it was okay. So, what was the strong emotional reaction that conjured this idea? I have a lot of trouble when my wife works late, particularly, when she spends more than 10 hours a day at work. I think it reminds me of the late nights without my mother… at least, that’s what Jane has mentioned as a possible root cause. I also think it reminds me of the hunger that I felt when those nights occurred. I don’t think that was my parent’s fault directly, but probably indirectly. They always complained about how expensive groceries were so I had the idea that the less I ate, the less stressed they would be… Jane says it was a way of trying to control the situation as a child. I’m not hungry anymore, fortunately, but I still feel that lifeless exhaustion when it gets dark at 5pm and Carolyn isn’t home. A sinking feeling in the gut. Like I’ve been forgotten. Like I’ve been abandoned.

Jane says we sometimes map feelings we had toward our mother on other women, particularly intimate relationships.

Why is it so much to ask to stop working so many hours… that she come home earlier… I’m not sure, but Jane believes I might be feeling so strongly about it because there are unresolved abandonment issues. How does one resolve such issues I wonder.

I had a dream last night where I had to clean my mouth and have it examined by someone, I think I recall it was a collection of loved ones that had to examine them. Carolyn was one of them. The examiner would look at my freshly cleaned mouth and tell me, “no, redo it.” There was no other feedback, just, “no, redo it.” After the fourth or fifth time performing the routine, I was infuriated. I recall almost waking and shaking my head violently back and forth thinking, “HOW?! I did everything correct! There’s nothing left in my mouth, it’s clean! Just tell me what you see and I’ll fix it! Just tell me what’s wrong!” I don’t know what this dream means. I think it’s the feeling I’m getting from therapy. I’m telling Jane I don’t feel it’s appropriate for my wife to be gone so long every day and she’s saying it is. There’s this strong emotional reaction to that idea. How could I be wrong? How could it be okay to work so many hours?! It’s not fair, I think. It’s not fair that everyone else gets her energy but me. I’m her husband… doesn’t that mean anything… Of course it does. Of course she loves me, but damn, it feels bad to come home to an empty apartment. It feels bad to go to a restaurant alone. I thought the whole point was to be coupled. To play together at the end of the day. But it’s not that way, unfortunately.

Oh Journal… One day I’ll bring you to life with these entries… I’ll feed these letters to a therapy LLM and you’ll help me understand… right?

I also feel like such a bitch in feeling this way. I feel like it’s not my place to be irritated by her late nights. I try to keep my irritation at bay. I know it’s not appropriate to control how she uses her time and energy so I try to suppress my emotional reaction, but it simmers… Then once every couple months I just blow up. I feel so hurt and ignored that I lash out. I yell, “why do you care more about their field trip than our relationship?!” “Why are you working so hard when they don’t pay you for the extra time?!” “Why, why, why…” I’m just so hurt. It’s so painful when she’s out late week after week.

Anyway, somehow my dream is related to this inner conflict, I think. I must overcome the abandonment to reach a more sustainable version of myself…

I am not forgotten. I am not forsaken. I have love abound…

Sincerely,
Alex